First Loser

I have a confession to make. I come in second place a lot.

Take this weekend as a recent example. Our church's annual auction is the scene. This year's theme is retro prom (think blue ruffly tuxedo shirts....). There's a prom queen election. I started campaigning early. My platform was: Vote for me or I'll kick your a$$. Pretty good, I thought. And it was looking good. I was going to win. All those miserable years as a teen would be avenged. I would be the prom queen. Oh yes. I bought pink tiara earrings in advance.

And a year prior....same place, different theme. Old West Chili Cook-Off. I work in food service. I've cooked for a Nobel prizewinner. I can make darn good chili. And I even bought freakin' OSTRICH meat.

And both times....second place.

My chili was defeated by a chili made of CANNED chicken and canned beans and nothing special whatsoever.

And who defeated me in my bid for prom queen? A guy. A big guy who is straight. And wore a dress and bad fake tits and an ugly wig. That ugly non-drag-queen beat me, looking ULTRA HOT in a sheath of a black dress, my second-highest heels, hair done.

Life lesson: don't try to win. Extra effort results in second-place finishes. And the man will ALWAYS try to keep you down, even if you're hotter and your boobs are real.