Trick-or-Treating Rules

Not that they're ever followed. Still, I offer you, gentle readers, my ideas about how Halloween needs to work.

1. If you don't say "Trick or treat" I will stand there and stare at you. I do not give you candy simply for appearing on my porch. At least speak.

2. If you're not wearing a costume, I will ask you what happened to your costume. Or maybe, "Who are you supposed to be." If you don't have an answer, you might not get candy. (Unless you're really cute and it's quite obvious that nobody in your house could be bothered to help you.)

3. If you're old enough to drive or have a job, you don't need my candy. If you go through all the motions of saying "Trick or treat" and wearing some semblance of a costume, but you're old enough for even a conservative parent to think you're old enough to date, you get a breath mint. I've got a bag of Starlight mints ready for the occasion.

4. One piece of candy per kid. I might give you two if you're really cute and follow the rules. Three if I know your parents.

5. Don't come to my house a second time. I will recognize you. See rule #4.

6. Infants don't get candy. See rule #1. If you can't say "Trick or Treat" and don't have a disability, you probably aren't going to eat the candy.

7. When the porch light is turned off, there's no more candy to distribute. Or it's past my kids' bedtime and I don't feel like dealing with trick-or-treaters anymore. Don't ring the doorbell. Don't knock. We're done.

8. 10:00 is too late for trick-or-treating. You should be home in bed. You have school tomorrow. Unless you go to Catholic school, you lucky kids!

9. Don't touch the decorations. Don't ask to take them with you. Don't ask me if the skeleton or the fake blood or the spiders or whatever else is real.

10. Say "Thank you" after I give you the candy. Don't glare at me (unless you're really "in character"). Don't act like I owe you more than what I gave you.