The characters: Craig and I
The setting: Saturday night, in the rare situation of the children being at a sleepover. We've run some errands, eaten dinner, and are heading to the video store.
Him: We should go to the other video store, because I'm in the mood to watch weird videos, not really a movie.
Me: But I really don't like that video store, and we're already in the parking lot of the other one.
Him: Whatever. You sure you even want to rent videos?
Me: (thinks of renting all seasons of CSI so I can watch them in order) Yeah.
Him: Let's see what we can find.
We enter the video store and start with new releases...and keep going, and going, not finding anything, until...
Him: Hey, it's the DVD of The Secret! Woot!
Me: Isn't that the book about magic? That Oprah likes?
Him: (sarcastically) Duh! Yeah! This'll be hilarious!
Me: ... ?
Him: You can get season one of CSI over there.
We check out, amused by our bizarre combination of rentals which Craig determines makes us "Yuppies."
Scene 2: A little later, with wine and The Secret playing
Him: Where's the wacky sketches? I want something silly to happen.
Me: The opening menu reminds me of Harry Potter a little.
Him: Isn't that guy the brother of a sportscaster?
Me: Probably. And what kind of job is "metaphysician" anyway?
Him: That's the guy who wrote that book about men being from Mars. Hey, didn't we watch that show with him on PBS? When he pretty much castrated all of mankind?
Me: That's the one. Oh, that guy is a "philosopher". Isn't that a nice way of saying "unemployed"?
Him: Huh. This isn't as funny as I thought.
We watch the video in silence for a few minutes, learning all about the Law of Attraction.
In a few minutes, on my second glass of wine...
Me: Okay. I get it. If I sit here and think about how I want a ba-billion dollars, I'll get it.
Him: Seems right to me.
Me: Hey Universe! I want a ba-billion dollars!!
Him: One problem. There's no such number as a ba-billion. You're just confusing the Universe.
Me: Okay, Universe. You probably can't handle that request. I guess I'll settle for a trillion. By next week, okay?
We pause to reflect on that
Him: Hey, what would we even do with a trillion dollars?
Me: I'm sure we'd sort it out.
Him: You'd get mad at my answer.
Me: What? Strip clubs? Hookers?
Him: No! Ew! No, I think I'd walk around in bad neighborhoods and give people some serious money. Not like $20 or even $100.
Me: Like $20,000?
Him: Yeah. That would be cool.
Me: Yeah, it would. But also money would go to church. They could name a building after us. The ba-billion building.
Him: I wouldn't want to move to a really big house.
Me: Just say no to Mc-Mansions.
Him: And I don't really care about cars.
Me: I'd buy new cars. But nothing fancy, I promise. We'll be the humblest ba-billionaires ever.
Me: Whatever. Let's watch CSI.
Monday, March 10, 2008
The characters: Craig and I