Monday, March 10, 2008

The Secret

The characters: Craig and I


The setting: Saturday night, in the rare situation of the children being at a sleepover. We've run some errands, eaten dinner, and are heading to the video store.


Him: We should go to the other video store, because I'm in the mood to watch weird videos, not really a movie.


Me: But I really don't like that video store, and we're already in the parking lot of the other one.


Him: Whatever. You sure you even want to rent videos?


Me: (thinks of renting all seasons of CSI so I can watch them in order) Yeah.


Him: Let's see what we can find.


We enter the video store and start with new releases...and keep going, and going, not finding anything, until...


Him: Hey, it's the DVD of The Secret! Woot!


Me: Isn't that the book about magic? That Oprah likes?


Him: (sarcastically) Duh! Yeah! This'll be hilarious!


Me: ... ?


Him: You can get season one of CSI over there.



We check out, amused by our bizarre combination of rentals which Craig determines makes us "Yuppies."


Scene 2: A little later, with wine and The Secret playing


Him: Where's the wacky sketches? I want something silly to happen.


Me: The opening menu reminds me of Harry Potter a little.


Him: Isn't that guy the brother of a sportscaster?


Me: Probably. And what kind of job is "metaphysician" anyway?


Him: That's the guy who wrote that book about men being from Mars. Hey, didn't we watch that show with him on PBS? When he pretty much castrated all of mankind?


Me: That's the one. Oh, that guy is a "philosopher". Isn't that a nice way of saying "unemployed"?


Him: Huh. This isn't as funny as I thought.


We watch the video in silence for a few minutes, learning all about the Law of Attraction.


In a few minutes, on my second glass of wine...


Me: Okay. I get it. If I sit here and think about how I want a ba-billion dollars, I'll get it.


Him: Seems right to me.


Me: Hey Universe! I want a ba-billion dollars!!


laughing


Him: One problem. There's no such number as a ba-billion. You're just confusing the Universe.


Me: Okay, Universe. You probably can't handle that request. I guess I'll settle for a trillion. By next week, okay?


Him: Better.


We pause to reflect on that


Him: Hey, what would we even do with a trillion dollars?


Me: I'm sure we'd sort it out.


Him: You'd get mad at my answer.


Me: What? Strip clubs? Hookers?


Him: No! Ew! No, I think I'd walk around in bad neighborhoods and give people some serious money. Not like $20 or even $100.


Me: Like $20,000?


Him: Yeah. That would be cool.


Me: Yeah, it would. But also money would go to church. They could name a building after us. The ba-billion building.


Him: I wouldn't want to move to a really big house.


Me: Just say no to Mc-Mansions.


Him: And I don't really care about cars.


Me: I'd buy new cars. But nothing fancy, I promise. We'll be the humblest ba-billionaires ever.


Him: Trillionaires.


Me: Whatever. Let's watch CSI.

5 comments:

Ms. Theologian said...

I would like to start an anti-Secret movement.

Noodle said...

I can totally hear that conversation.

Ashleigh Carroll said...

HILARIOUS. I mean, are those people serious? Has Oprah lost her mind? I guess if she just thinks hard enough, she'll get it back.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

The Secret is bullshit. I am still waiting for my cleaning lady.

Stupid Universe.

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