Monday, March 10, 2008

The Secret

The characters: Craig and I

The setting: Saturday night, in the rare situation of the children being at a sleepover. We've run some errands, eaten dinner, and are heading to the video store.

Him: We should go to the other video store, because I'm in the mood to watch weird videos, not really a movie.

Me: But I really don't like that video store, and we're already in the parking lot of the other one.

Him: Whatever. You sure you even want to rent videos?

Me: (thinks of renting all seasons of CSI so I can watch them in order) Yeah.

Him: Let's see what we can find.

We enter the video store and start with new releases...and keep going, and going, not finding anything, until...

Him: Hey, it's the DVD of The Secret! Woot!

Me: Isn't that the book about magic? That Oprah likes?

Him: (sarcastically) Duh! Yeah! This'll be hilarious!

Me: ... ?

Him: You can get season one of CSI over there.

We check out, amused by our bizarre combination of rentals which Craig determines makes us "Yuppies."

Scene 2: A little later, with wine and The Secret playing

Him: Where's the wacky sketches? I want something silly to happen.

Me: The opening menu reminds me of Harry Potter a little.

Him: Isn't that guy the brother of a sportscaster?

Me: Probably. And what kind of job is "metaphysician" anyway?

Him: That's the guy who wrote that book about men being from Mars. Hey, didn't we watch that show with him on PBS? When he pretty much castrated all of mankind?

Me: That's the one. Oh, that guy is a "philosopher". Isn't that a nice way of saying "unemployed"?

Him: Huh. This isn't as funny as I thought.

We watch the video in silence for a few minutes, learning all about the Law of Attraction.

In a few minutes, on my second glass of wine...

Me: Okay. I get it. If I sit here and think about how I want a ba-billion dollars, I'll get it.

Him: Seems right to me.

Me: Hey Universe! I want a ba-billion dollars!!


Him: One problem. There's no such number as a ba-billion. You're just confusing the Universe.

Me: Okay, Universe. You probably can't handle that request. I guess I'll settle for a trillion. By next week, okay?

Him: Better.

We pause to reflect on that

Him: Hey, what would we even do with a trillion dollars?

Me: I'm sure we'd sort it out.

Him: You'd get mad at my answer.

Me: What? Strip clubs? Hookers?

Him: No! Ew! No, I think I'd walk around in bad neighborhoods and give people some serious money. Not like $20 or even $100.

Me: Like $20,000?

Him: Yeah. That would be cool.

Me: Yeah, it would. But also money would go to church. They could name a building after us. The ba-billion building.

Him: I wouldn't want to move to a really big house.

Me: Just say no to Mc-Mansions.

Him: And I don't really care about cars.

Me: I'd buy new cars. But nothing fancy, I promise. We'll be the humblest ba-billionaires ever.

Him: Trillionaires.

Me: Whatever. Let's watch CSI.


Ms. Theologian said...

I would like to start an anti-Secret movement.

Noodle said...

I can totally hear that conversation.

Ashleigh Carroll said...

HILARIOUS. I mean, are those people serious? Has Oprah lost her mind? I guess if she just thinks hard enough, she'll get it back.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

The Secret is bullshit. I am still waiting for my cleaning lady.

Stupid Universe.

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